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Showing posts from 2018

Dear diary

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hye guys ! been a min since i started my new semester. New aim and goals and a bunch of classes to attend. last semester ! yeayy go me ! 😓 anyways the reason of this post is somewhat a reflection of today class.. so by the end of my last class my lecturer were talking about diary, journal of life or a log book of life.. more or so a reflection of everyday life/activities. the used of all this is basically a reflection or as a place to pour all your thought, problem in a piece of paper. n it get to me that how diary were really underrated now.. i used to own like 2,3 diary through out my childhood and may i say that's the reason why my childhood are stress free. thinking back about it, no wonder our grandparents most likely stress free back then. even though at that era it should be more stressful then now. this is all because of all the letters and diaries.  just look at our generation, how books become the most 'disgusting' thing to be seen. while having a gadget

i'm okey

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assalamualaikum ! new day new post.. probably a little better then the previous post.. so.. i'm getting a little better then before, probably i just realize that i should talk to someone rather then just keep it quiet with me.. i think i'm getting a little bit better.. i think.. i don't really sure.. but i now realize, if your partner dislike u being u.. just dump em ! LOL!but i'm grateful and lucky to have this person with me.. we talk and discuss.. cried a little bit. i'm still in my recovery mode.. i think so.. i wrote this post.. just because i don't want to give bad vibe from my past post.. n i hope everyone achieve happiness in their life and their current relationship. i still have my ups n down moods.. and i still have trouble in dealing with my moods and emotion.. where little things triggered me and makes me cry. his just being him and treat me good.. i'm beyond thankful for my partner for being super patience in dealing with me and i hope thi

when my depression talk ! #3

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Assalamualaikum, whats up ! been awhile.. but here i am.. recently i just turn 24y/o.. shocking really.. how to act like 20's actually?  for the past years i've being me (the obnoxious and immature)  for almost forever.. for the past week i felt i've been giving my partner a hard time with our relationship.. basically just me.. being me.. i've been thinking for a long time.. how is it 'me' gonna be a good adult.. a mature and very wise (probably) adult. how is it 'me' gonna handle a marriage life? how can 'me' handle having kids with all this attitude and act. i've decided to change it.. i try to change everything.. try to be the best for my partner and probably for our future.. but somewhere in side me.. i felt wrong.. because it is not me.. as if im pretending to be someone else.. but i'm thinking this is for the sake of my partner.. i know he never ask for it.. but its just me that realize i need to change for him.. and for peop

when my depression talk #2

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it has been 3 days.. or 4.. i'm not quite sure.. everything feel nothing to me.. the urge to laugh.. to smile.. to do anything doesn't seems to be a thing to me.. its feel like death in side.. i feel zero.. i don't feel hungry at all.. i don't feel like sleeping.. i don't feel like moving.. even a muscle.. repeating and hearing sad..depress.. dark song as if its a thing for me.. pushing people to the edge.. and standing at the edge is what im doing for this past days.. i try to change.. i did try to enjoy everything.. but it doesn't seems right.. i can hold it until at some point it just does feels right.. as if im faking it.. well... i am faking it.. i push myself to do everything.. just incase.. something could make me enjoy it.. or maybe push me out of this madness.. it feels like living in a dark hole.. that i couldn't climb out.. no matter how hard i try.. i constantly feel tired.. unmotivated to do barely anything.. i think of killing myself many time.

we are in this together !

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this past week i've been under the weather..sort of..  with high fever, and depression kicking in.. my solution to every problem is spending time with my love one.. i don't really know what have happened to me this week but.. it just doesn't end really well.. every single one.. i find it's really therapeutic.. having someone to talk to.. or at least distract me from my problem.. my style of hanging out is more to food and talking.. n walking.. not really cost a fortune from me..  i'm lucky to have someone that can deal with my unexpected tears and a bunch of whining.. and some other random mood swing.. i'm happy be able to know you and love you.. n i hope this will be our last relationship till we are officially mr and mrs.. u have shown me many things that i never get to experience before.. teach me new thing that i should know/learn.. never giving up on me and the most big thing.. that u never laugh at me for my lack of many things in knowledge and experie

Interaction

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Few days ago i was attending this class, which my lecturer and i were having a light conversation and the conversation has nothing to do with that class.. but i just wanted to share with you the things that i think we all should be enlighten with this issues.. she ask me.. how many time the thought of suicide came to your mind? i told her, many time.. she said.. adolescent now days, at least 1 time the thought of suicide came across their mind.. because, if you are aware of  the trend today, we are all too focus on our gadget.. and less human interaction.. and i truly agree with her.. we are so busy with gadget and life that we forget about people around us.. we forget to ask about their well being.. not everyone, when they have problem they seek someone to tell them their problem.. because we tend to expressed in the socmed.. believe me socmed is not the place to tell all your feelings or complain about your problem.. there are too many 'stupid' people in there that i bet

experiance..

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something gruesome happen yesterday.. i almost lost my finger.. almost fainted, lucky that my parent just got back from buying grocery so they help me.. whatever happen yesterday make me realise.. i just got a new story to tell my kids and grandchild.. something to be breg about.. *although its not that cool..* but hey ! not everyone get to experience this type of incident..tho i would rather not wish it happen to anyone.. because its making me traumatize for awhile.. from that i realize.. we need every inch of our body part.. it maybe a small cut but it give big impact to all..your body and your well being.. now i get it when people say "satu tempat sakit akan mempengaruhi semua.." for that i realise more.. that.. i never appreciate all the small/simplest thing that i have.. as simple as i still have all my limb intact.. or i'm lucky that this thing all happen while my parent were home.. and i did not leave alone.. i should appreciate all this thing.. god do have His

Being dyslexic

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just now i was having a short conversation with a woman with her dyscalculia son.. the concept is similar but there are some small different.. for a dyslexic person, i personally having problem in reading and writing.. but for dyscalculia its more to calculation.. now, the thing that we both facing are similar.. some people might put us as 'retarded' or 'lembap'.for all you know.. most of the very famous person on this earth is a dyslexic ! back to my main purpose of this post.. being dyslexic doesn't mean that we are 'cacat' and we belong in 'sekolah khas..' we might see as slow.. but we do just fine when we get the hang of it.. like me personally, i sometime feels like i'm dumb.. but i learn the hard way on how to cope with my problem.. i learn that dictionary will always be my forever long best friend, and study extra time/banyak latihan is my go to things to do.. it might sound "alah poyo nyaa, nak ckp rajin ke.." well for us we

Expectation

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welp ! its happening again.. trying to channel my depression through writing.. well.. hope it could help.. idk.. this past few week its not that kind of a rough week for me.. i have been making money thru my hobbies.. going out and about with my love one.. and successfully finish all the things that i should have done like a month ago.. but idk why this past few days i woke up with a heavy heart thinking bout dying.. even at night.. before going to sleep.. i hate this feeling.. my head hurt.. for the past years i have been leaving.. nope ! i am leaving in everyone expectation.. that expectation to be someone better then anyone else.. almost to the point of perfection.. that expectation like.. you have to be smart, have good grads, skinny, do perfect job, and etc. i have this stupid insecurities when i did something for instance when you cook something.. the thought of giving other to eat your cooking is really scary.. not that you did a bad job in cooking *arguable* but the thought

Memories

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there are things that are meant to be kept as memories forever.. keep it, lock it and throw it away... holding on to 1 memories will never make you move forward.. hoping it would be keep and cherish for a long period of time is not a good idea.. sometime memories could be used as ur guidance for your future.. as a lesson in life.. some might say it's like a bad dream or a good dream.. depend on how we dealt with it.. good memories are meant to be keep.. while the bad one are meant to be a lesson.. some might think it's hunting one self.. but never did they think it my be a good reminder to never did it again.. as we went farther in life we collect bits and pieces of  memories for us to remember and cherish.. never felt despair/ down.. for each of the memories are special for each individual person.. for what we have become now is from how and what kind of experience we've been thru.. at some point in life.. you may breg and felt stupid remembering the kind of stuff you'

Appreciate

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how many wrong will i do in future that u will keep on forgiving me? how many wrong that have i did that you were always there to forgive me.. how many stupid and messed up mess that will i go thru that u still be there to forgive me? why are you like this? what did i do to deserve you? i've done a bunch of stupid things.. speak poorly to you.. why are you still here?i've done many bad thing to you.. but never did i remember any bad things that you did to me... because there were none.. is it a bless? is it a test? i'm in much doubt.. for what i know.. i should appreciate the moment that i have right now.. even though i will never know what will the future bear.. but what is happening in present is a bless.. thank you for trying to heal me in many ways that i believe you were unaware off... thank you for the laughter and solution in all my problems.. thank you for always be there when i needed someone to cry with and to talk too.. never did i remember you were complaining w

Toxic Person

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i thought i was fine, i guess im not.. i thought i was with the right person, i guess im not.. i thought i've found the best friend that i would ever had, i guess not.. im wrong.. i was blind.. the person that i love the most betrayed me.. the person that i believe the most, my 'best friend' betrayed me..maybe its true.. 'love' does makes people blind.. the fact that i am in a toxic relationship but i didn't realise that.. i thought he is the one.. how simple minded can i be right? after a while thing got really messed up.. my depression getting worse, i keep on forgiving people that does not deserve my forgiveness.. i blame it on me.. all me.. when the fact is, its not my fault.. how naive.. i was imprisoned in my own thought.. it was embedded in my mind that everything that happens is my fault.. everything that went wrong in this relationship is my wrong.. i should not do this.. do that.. until at one point.. thought to myself.. "am i happy right now?&quo