Expectation

welp ! its happening again.. trying to channel my depression through writing.. well.. hope it could help.. idk.. this past few week its not that kind of a rough week for me.. i have been making money thru my hobbies.. going out and about with my love one.. and successfully finish all the things that i should have done like a month ago.. but idk why this past few days i woke up with a heavy heart thinking bout dying.. even at night.. before going to sleep.. i hate this feeling.. my head hurt..

for the past years i have been leaving.. nope ! i am leaving in everyone expectation.. that expectation to be someone better then anyone else.. almost to the point of perfection.. that expectation like.. you have to be smart, have good grads, skinny, do perfect job, and etc. i have this stupid insecurities when i did something for instance when you cook something.. the thought of giving other to eat your cooking is really scary.. not that you did a bad job in cooking *arguable* but the thought of they will judge you.. and compared you to someone better.. because usually to some people with ancient thought women should know how to cook.. so.... this type of expectation are beyond my limit.. the thought of i have to be the best.. i have to be like this person.. and that.. is just killing me..from inside out.. 

the most i hate is when people keep asking me when i'm going to get married.. have kids and all that stuff.. to some people it sound so stupid.. but sometime to me it does bother me much.. like how should i know?! im not god ! stop asking stupid question.. n who doesn't want to get married you dumbass... because i have to settle all my other shit first.. one by one can't we? and there's come the thought of i should be more ladylike.. because im to rough.. or i talk like a guy.. like seriously.. how do u expect me to talk properly when i have been thru some stupid shit for the past years... pluss is it a bad thing to be talking like a guy *not softspoken type* mannn.. i hate it.. another thing that i hate is, when i can't see what will the outcome be.. my future to be precise.. i hate it.. i know future is like a suprise and i need to focus on present.. but it does bother me when i have this damn expectation and i wanted it to be exactly like what i wanted...u see what i mean? i don't have this patience to wait and see.. 

u know what.. i should just die.. *sigh* sorry guys.. i love you..



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