something gruesome happen yesterday.. i almost lost my finger.. almost fainted, lucky that my parent just got back from buying grocery so they help me.. whatever happen yesterday make me realise.. i just got a new story to tell my kids and grandchild.. something to be breg about.. *although its not that cool..* but hey ! not everyone get to experience this type of incident..tho i would rather not wish it happen to anyone.. because its making me traumatize for awhile..

from that i realize.. we need every inch of our body part.. it maybe a small cut but it give big impact to all..your body and your well being.. now i get it when people say "satu tempat sakit akan mempengaruhi semua.." for that i realise more.. that.. i never appreciate all the small/simplest thing that i have.. as simple as i still have all my limb intact.. or i'm lucky that this thing all happen while my parent were home.. and i did not leave alone.. i should appreciate all this thing.. god do have His on…

Being dyslexic

just now i was having a short conversation with a woman with her dyscalculia son.. the concept is similar but there are some small different.. for a dyslexic person, i personally having problem in reading and writing.. but for dyscalculia its more to calculation..

now, the thing that we both facing are similar.. some people might put us as 'retarded' or 'lembap'.for all you know.. most of the very famous person on this earth is a dyslexic ! back to my main purpose of this post.. being dyslexic doesn't mean that we are 'cacat' and we belong in 'sekolah khas..' we might see as slow.. but we do just fine when we get the hang of it.. like me personally, i sometime feels like i'm dumb.. but i learn the hard way on how to cope with my problem.. i learn that dictionary will always be my forever long best friend, and study extra time/banyak latihan is my go to things to do.. it might sound "alah poyo nyaa, nak ckp rajin ke.." well for us we ha…


welp ! its happening again.. trying to channel my depression through writing.. well.. hope it could help.. idk.. this past few week its not that kind of a rough week for me.. i have been making money thru my hobbies.. going out and about with my love one.. and successfully finish all the things that i should have done like a month ago.. but idk why this past few days i woke up with a heavy heart thinking bout dying.. even at night.. before going to sleep.. i hate this feeling.. my head hurt..

for the past years i have been leaving.. nope ! i am leaving in everyone expectation.. that expectation to be someone better then anyone else.. almost to the point of perfection.. that expectation like.. you have to be smart, have good grads, skinny, do perfect job, and etc. i have this stupid insecurities when i did something for instance when you cook something.. the thought of giving other to eat your cooking is really scary.. not that you did a bad job in cooking *arguable* but the thought of…


there are things that are meant to be kept as memories forever.. keep it, lock it and throw it away... holding on to 1 memories will never make you move forward.. hoping it would be keep and cherish for a long period of time is not a good idea.. sometime memories could be used as ur guidance for your future.. as a lesson in life.. some might say it's like a bad dream or a good dream.. depend on how we dealt with it.. good memories are meant to be keep.. while the bad one are meant to be a lesson.. some might think it's hunting one self.. but never did they think it my be a good reminder to never did it again.. as we went farther in life we collect bits and pieces of  memories for us to remember and cherish.. never felt despair/ down.. for each of the memories are special for each individual person.. for what we have become now is from how and what kind of experience we've been thru.. at some point in life.. you may breg and felt stupid remembering the kind of stuff you'…


how many wrong will i do in future that u will keep on forgiving me? how many wrong that have i did that you were always there to forgive me.. how many stupid and messed up mess that will i go thru that u still be there to forgive me? why are you like this? what did i do to deserve you? i've done a bunch of stupid things.. speak poorly to you.. why are you still here?i've done many bad thing to you.. but never did i remember any bad things that you did to me... because there were none.. is it a bless? is it a test? i'm in much doubt.. for what i know.. i should appreciate the moment that i have right now.. even though i will never know what will the future bear.. but what is happening in present is a bless.. thank you for trying to heal me in many ways that i believe you were unaware off... thank you for the laughter and solution in all my problems.. thank you for always be there when i needed someone to cry with and to talk too.. never did i remember you were complaining …

Toxic Person

i thought i was fine, i guess im not.. i thought i was with the right person, i guess im not.. i thought i've found the best friend that i would ever had, i guess not.. im wrong.. i was blind.. the person that i love the most betrayed me.. the person that i believe the most, my 'best friend' betrayed me..maybe its true.. 'love' does makes people blind.. the fact that i am in a toxic relationship but i didn't realise that.. i thought he is the one.. how simple minded can i be right? after a while thing got really messed up.. my depression getting worse, i keep on forgiving people that does not deserve my forgiveness.. i blame it on me.. all me.. when the fact is, its not my fault.. how naive.. i was imprisoned in my own thought.. it was embedded in my mind that everything that happens is my fault.. everything that went wrong in this relationship is my wrong.. i should not do this.. do that.. until at one point.. thought to myself.. "am i happy right now?&qu…


sometime i'm blind, sometime i'm envious, sometime i forget, sometime i'm greedy.. but overall i'm just an ungrateful person. i'm blind when every time i was in pain, fall in great sadness i never realise god always there to give me sign to calm me down. but what did i do? i blame god for what just happened. i ask god to take my life because i give up with the trial that He give me. but what does god did to me? he keeps on helping me.. but i'm still blind. i'm still greedy and envious with what people gain. i compare my life with others, i find perfection in my life from comparing what i don't have/have. what all this makes me then? UNGRATEFUL PERSON!

i've been thru a handful of obstacle this month. from one problem to another . my stress level to the point that i wanted to drop school and kill myself or something like that.  but never did i realise every time i open youtube/twitter/instagram (millennial things during stress) i never realise that go…