when my depression talk ! #3

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Assalamualaikum, whats up ! been awhile.. but here i am.. recently i just turn 24y/o.. shocking really.. how to act like 20's actually?  for the past years i've being me (the obnoxious and immature)  for almost forever.. for the past week i felt i've been giving my partner a hard time with our relationship.. basically just me.. being me.. i've been thinking for a long time.. how is it 'me' gonna be a good adult.. a mature and very wise (probably) adult. how is it 'me' gonna handle a marriage life? how can 'me' handle having kids with all this attitude and act. i've decided to change it.. i try to change everything.. try to be the best for my partner and probably for our future.. but somewhere in side me.. i felt wrong.. because it is not me.. as if im pretending to be someone else.. but i'm thinking this is for the sake of my partner.. i know he never ask for it.. but its just me that realize i need to change for him.. and for people around him.. for people at my age, they have good manners, beautiful in many ways, mature in their relationship and can manage anything and everything in their life.. while me, i'm still struggling to ask the waiter for my food. im weak and childish looking and act like one.. im learning to talk less and be picky with what topic to talk to..even sometime i think i lied to myself for being this way.. i felt like i'm stuck. i have 1001 story to share but i felt just 2 story is ok to talk about as an adult.. does adult act like this? am i doing it right?

somewhere inside me.. im telling myself 1000x everyday.. that i will be alright.. i will get used to it.. if this is what my partner will look up to me.. impressed.. i will do it for him..for the sake of our future.. but am i doing it right? i'm not being myself.. im not me.. is this the right thing to do? i hope its enough.. i'm leaving in someone expectation.. trying to achieve my own/ society expectation.. am i still doing it right?


im sorry.. tq for reading.. be happy gais..



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