Toxic Person

i thought i was fine, i guess im not.. i thought i was with the right person, i guess im not.. i thought i've found the best friend that i would ever had, i guess not.. im wrong.. i was blind.. the person that i love the most betrayed me.. the person that i believe the most, my 'best friend' betrayed me..maybe its true.. 'love' does makes people blind.. the fact that i am in a toxic relationship but i didn't realise that.. i thought he is the one.. how simple minded can i be right? after a while thing got really messed up.. my depression getting worse, i keep on forgiving people that does not deserve my forgiveness.. i blame it on me.. all me.. when the fact is, its not my fault.. how naive.. i was imprisoned in my own thought.. it was embedded in my mind that everything that happens is my fault.. everything that went wrong in this relationship is my wrong.. i should not do this.. do that.. until at one point.. thought to myself.. "am i happy right now?&qu…


sometime i'm blind, sometime i'm envious, sometime i forget, sometime i'm greedy.. but overall i'm just an ungrateful person. i'm blind when every time i was in pain, fall in great sadness i never realise god always there to give me sign to calm me down. but what did i do? i blame god for what just happened. i ask god to take my life because i give up with the trial that He give me. but what does god did to me? he keeps on helping me.. but i'm still blind. i'm still greedy and envious with what people gain. i compare my life with others, i find perfection in my life from comparing what i don't have/have. what all this makes me then? UNGRATEFUL PERSON!

i've been thru a handful of obstacle this month. from one problem to another . my stress level to the point that i wanted to drop school and kill myself or something like that.  but never did i realise every time i open youtube/twitter/instagram (millennial things during stress) i never realise that go…

toxic thought

i've been holding this back from posting it. but yeahh.. feeling depressed and super stress sometime you came across with 'toxic thought'. for the past week it have been somewhat hell for me. from project to research to assignment, somehow nothing good happened this week. i've been in bed all day for the past 4 days.. sleeping is like breathing for me.. and food are like poison. the thought of exiting my study and suicidal are everywhere. but thank god i'm still here. the bad part of me is.. i hate rejection and i despise repeating something. like redoing assignment, project and so on. for some people it may seem like nothing ' just do it again n submit'.. for me this thing is like 'i have failed to be a student..' or 'i'm stupid that is why i have to do it again'.

the worst part of all this problem is when the assignment that have been appointed to you is a 'group assignment.' like seriously.. who create this? personally i think…

i'll show you how depression works..

when people ask me.. and condemn me about my depression as if it is not that serious and it was just a joke.. arguing me with whatever i do to overcome this problem with some shit that i don't really give a fuck.. like seriously man, do u really wanna see how bad i could get if i did not do anything about it.. if i try my hard to be someone else.. or try my hard to show others that i am ok.. that i am not stress at all.. do u wanna see how mad i could get?

mental illness is not a joke. if my life is a joke to you.. just walk away bruhh..  i don't even wanna deal with ur attitude.. its just making my depression a lot more worst. 

Nihla Hanifa

Our gift of a True believer. May you rest in peace.. baba and bonda always love you..

When my depression talk

For the past 23 years, i've been through some shit and some good moment. But somehow.. shit always happen in my life.. why? at some part in my life i've been through depression thinking whether i'm mad or i'm just weird. i'm still trying to figure out my path. whereas all my friend have gone through much in their life.. why am i still here? i'm still having problem with all my past and present relationship. my love life is a mess. nothing work out well, it's always be me that were left alone. i'm still dealing with dyslexia. i'm still struggling trying to finish my degree. i'm still struggling to maintain my pointer to not be under 3.0.. Am i that stupid? how can my friend have better grades? how are they so good in their study? do i look retarded? when all this question and low self esteem thinking..came all at once, makes me wanna kill myself. Makes me wanna go insane. ... ...
what i hate to hear is.. "you are a muslim how can u be depres…


Its been awhile.. this would be my first post ever since..i don't know.. forever..

but hye.. i used to post about my life and my thought here ever since i was 15.. but yeah my past life and story are very stupid couldn't even bear to read it so i've decided to delete all of them and start all over again.. so here i am 8 years later.. still small and probably still clumsy and stupid.. so this would be simple introduction i'll be posting more in future.. n please don't get annoyed by my writing since i probably be telling my story in 'malayglish'. sooooo for all you grammar nazi out there please don't stay here longer then 2 second.. your eyes probably gonna burnnnnn baby burnnnnn.. 

have a nice day love, see yahh in my next post ~