when my depression talk #2

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it has been 3 days.. or 4.. i'm not quite sure.. everything feel nothing to me.. the urge to laugh.. to smile.. to do anything doesn't seems to be a thing to me.. its feel like death in side.. i feel zero.. i don't feel hungry at all.. i don't feel like sleeping.. i don't feel like moving.. even a muscle.. repeating and hearing sad..depress.. dark song as if its a thing for me.. pushing people to the edge.. and standing at the edge is what im doing for this past days.. i try to change.. i did try to enjoy everything.. but it doesn't seems right.. i can hold it until at some point it just does feels right.. as if im faking it.. well... i am faking it.. i push myself to do everything.. just incase.. something could make me enjoy it.. or maybe push me out of this madness.. it feels like living in a dark hole.. that i couldn't climb out.. no matter how hard i try.. i constantly feel tired.. unmotivated to do barely anything.. i think of killing myself many time.. because.. i just don't feel like living in this body.. like i want to get rid of this body and be someone else..

waking up this morning.. thinking.. why im still alive.. should i do anything.. do i even have to move.. i usually have thousand of ideas on what to do everyday.. even if i don't have assignment that needed my attention.. i would think about doing laundry.. make my bed.. sweep the floor.. or anything that won't make me bored.. 

the feeling..desperate of seeking attention..its just burning in me.. i wanted some help.. but i just couldn't.. i don't know how to express it.. i hate when everytime people ask me how i feel.. what do i want.. i just hate it.. because i can't even understand myself.. my urge.. my madness.. how can i explain it to others.. i just wish i could have a great long talk.. when i needed the most.. just a long talk without any interruption.. its funny why i can have this kind of talk with someone else other than my significant other.. maybe i'm getting used to it..as if talking to someone else give me more ease rather than with this person.. i hate it.. at the end of the day..i felt regret.. it felt like i just cheat on him.. but... is it a wrong thing to seek help when you are in desperate? is it a wrong thing to not just keep it inside and not talk about it to others? am i a bad person? a bad companion? but im in desperate... desperate for attention... help...


i'm sorry.. i should have just die..


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