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assalamualaikum ! new day new post.. probably a little better then the previous post.. so.. i'm getting a little better then before, probably i just realize that i should talk to someone rather then just keep it quiet with me.. i think i'm getting a little bit better.. i think.. i don't really sure.. but i now realize, if your partner dislike u being u.. just dump em ! LOL!but i'm grateful and lucky to have this person with me.. we talk and discuss.. cried a little bit. i'm still in my recovery mode.. i think so.. i wrote this post.. just because i don't want to give bad vibe from my past post.. n i hope everyone achieve happiness in their life and their current relationship. i still have my ups n down moods.. and i still have trouble in dealing with my moods and emotion.. where little things triggered me and makes me cry. his just being him and treat me good.. i'm beyond thankful for my partner for being super patience in dealing with me and i hope thi...

Assalamualaikum, whats up ! been awhile.. but here i am.. recently i just turn 24y/o.. shocking really.. how to act like 20's actually?  for the past years i've being me (the obnoxious and immature)  for almost forever.. for the past week i felt i've been giving my partner a hard time with our relationship.. basically just me.. being me.. i've been thinking for a long time.. how is it 'me' gonna be a good adult.. a mature and very wise (probably) adult. how is it 'me' gonna handle a marriage life? how can 'me' handle having kids with all this attitude and act. i've decided to change it.. i try to change everything.. try to be the best for my partner and probably for our future.. but somewhere in side me.. i felt wrong.. because it is not me.. as if im pretending to be someone else.. but i'm thinking this is for the sake of my partner.. i know he never ask for it.. but its just me that realize i need to change for him.. and for peop...

it has been 3 days.. or 4.. i'm not quite sure.. everything feel nothing to me.. the urge to laugh.. to smile.. to do anything doesn't seems to be a thing to me.. its feel like death in side.. i feel zero.. i don't feel hungry at all.. i don't feel like sleeping.. i don't feel like moving.. even a muscle.. repeating and hearing sad..depress.. dark song as if its a thing for me.. pushing people to the edge.. and standing at the edge is what im doing for this past days.. i try to change.. i did try to enjoy everything.. but it doesn't seems right.. i can hold it until at some point it just does feels right.. as if im faking it.. well... i am faking it.. i push myself to do everything.. just incase.. something could make me enjoy it.. or maybe push me out of this madness.. it feels like living in a dark hole.. that i couldn't climb out.. no matter how hard i try.. i constantly feel tired.. unmotivated to do barely anything.. i think of killing myself many time....

this past week i've been under the weather..sort of..  with high fever, and depression kicking in.. my solution to every problem is spending time with my love one.. i don't really know what have happened to me this week but.. it just doesn't end really well.. every single one.. i find it's really therapeutic.. having someone to talk to.. or at least distract me from my problem.. my style of hanging out is more to food and talking.. n walking.. not really cost a fortune from me..  i'm lucky to have someone that can deal with my unexpected tears and a bunch of whining.. and some other random mood swing.. i'm happy be able to know you and love you.. n i hope this will be our last relationship till we are officially mr and mrs.. u have shown me many things that i never get to experience before.. teach me new thing that i should know/learn.. never giving up on me and the most big thing.. that u never laugh at me for my lack of many things in knowledge and experie...

Few days ago i was attending this class, which my lecturer and i were having a light conversation and the conversation has nothing to do with that class.. but i just wanted to share with you the things that i think we all should be enlighten with this issues.. she ask me.. how many time the thought of suicide came to your mind? i told her, many time.. she said.. adolescent now days, at least 1 time the thought of suicide came across their mind.. because, if you are aware of  the trend today, we are all too focus on our gadget.. and less human interaction.. and i truly agree with her.. we are so busy with gadget and life that we forget about people around us.. we forget to ask about their well being.. not everyone, when they have problem they seek someone to tell them their problem.. because we tend to expressed in the socmed.. believe me socmed is not the place to tell all your feelings or complain about your problem.. there are too many 'stupid' people in there that i bet ...

something gruesome happen yesterday.. i almost lost my finger.. almost fainted, lucky that my parent just got back from buying grocery so they help me.. whatever happen yesterday make me realise.. i just got a new story to tell my kids and grandchild.. something to be breg about.. *although its not that cool..* but hey ! not everyone get to experience this type of incident..tho i would rather not wish it happen to anyone.. because its making me traumatize for awhile.. from that i realize.. we need every inch of our body part.. it maybe a small cut but it give big impact to all..your body and your well being.. now i get it when people say "satu tempat sakit akan mempengaruhi semua.." for that i realise more.. that.. i never appreciate all the small/simplest thing that i have.. as simple as i still have all my limb intact.. or i'm lucky that this thing all happen while my parent were home.. and i did not leave alone.. i should appreciate all this thing.. god do have His...

just now i was having a short conversation with a woman with her dyscalculia son.. the concept is similar but there are some small different.. for a dyslexic person, i personally having problem in reading and writing.. but for dyscalculia its more to calculation.. now, the thing that we both facing are similar.. some people might put us as 'retarded' or 'lembap'.for all you know.. most of the very famous person on this earth is a dyslexic ! back to my main purpose of this post.. being dyslexic doesn't mean that we are 'cacat' and we belong in 'sekolah khas..' we might see as slow.. but we do just fine when we get the hang of it.. like me personally, i sometime feels like i'm dumb.. but i learn the hard way on how to cope with my problem.. i learn that dictionary will always be my forever long best friend, and study extra time/banyak latihan is my go to things to do.. it might sound "alah poyo nyaa, nak ckp rajin ke.." well for us we...