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there are things that are meant to be kept as memories forever.. keep it, lock it and throw it away... holding on to 1 memories will never make you move forward.. hoping it would be keep and cherish for a long period of time is not a good idea.. sometime memories could be used as ur guidance for your future.. as a lesson in life.. some might say it's like a bad dream or a good dream.. depend on how we dealt with it.. good memories are meant to be keep.. while the bad one are meant to be a lesson.. some might think it's hunting one self.. but never did they think it my be a good reminder to never did it again.. as we went farther in life we collect bits and pieces of  memories for us to remember and cherish.. never felt despair/ down.. for each of the memories are special for each individual person.. for what we have become now is from how and what kind of experience we've been thru.. at some point in life.. you may breg and felt stupid remembering the kind of stuff you'...

how many wrong will i do in future that u will keep on forgiving me? how many wrong that have i did that you were always there to forgive me.. how many stupid and messed up mess that will i go thru that u still be there to forgive me? why are you like this? what did i do to deserve you? i've done a bunch of stupid things.. speak poorly to you.. why are you still here?i've done many bad thing to you.. but never did i remember any bad things that you did to me... because there were none.. is it a bless? is it a test? i'm in much doubt.. for what i know.. i should appreciate the moment that i have right now.. even though i will never know what will the future bear.. but what is happening in present is a bless.. thank you for trying to heal me in many ways that i believe you were unaware off... thank you for the laughter and solution in all my problems.. thank you for always be there when i needed someone to cry with and to talk too.. never did i remember you were complaining w...

i thought i was fine, i guess im not.. i thought i was with the right person, i guess im not.. i thought i've found the best friend that i would ever had, i guess not.. im wrong.. i was blind.. the person that i love the most betrayed me.. the person that i believe the most, my 'best friend' betrayed me..maybe its true.. 'love' does makes people blind.. the fact that i am in a toxic relationship but i didn't realise that.. i thought he is the one.. how simple minded can i be right? after a while thing got really messed up.. my depression getting worse, i keep on forgiving people that does not deserve my forgiveness.. i blame it on me.. all me.. when the fact is, its not my fault.. how naive.. i was imprisoned in my own thought.. it was embedded in my mind that everything that happens is my fault.. everything that went wrong in this relationship is my wrong.. i should not do this.. do that.. until at one point.. thought to myself.. "am i happy right now?...

sometime i'm blind, sometime i'm envious, sometime i forget, sometime i'm greedy.. but overall i'm just an ungrateful person. i'm blind when every time i was in pain, fall in great sadness i never realise god always there to give me sign to calm me down. but what did i do? i blame god for what just happened. i ask god to take my life because i give up with the trial that He give me. but what does god did to me? he keeps on helping me.. but i'm still blind. i'm still greedy and envious with what people gain. i compare my life with others, i find perfection in my life from comparing what i don't have/have. what all this makes me then? UNGRATEFUL PERSON! i've been thru a handful of obstacle this month. from one problem to another . my stress level to the point that i wanted to drop school and kill myself or something like that.  but never did i realise every time i open youtube/twitter/instagram (millennial things during stress) i never realise that...

i've been holding this back from posting it. but yeahh.. feeling depressed and super stress sometime you came across with 'toxic thought'. for the past week it have been somewhat hell for me. from project to research to assignment, somehow nothing good happened this week. i've been in bed all day for the past 4 days.. sleeping is like breathing for me.. and food are like poison. the thought of exiting my study and suicidal are everywhere. but thank god i'm still here. the bad part of me is.. i hate rejection and i despise repeating something. like redoing assignment, project and so on. for some people it may seem like nothing ' just do it again n submit'.. for me this thing is like 'i have failed to be a student..' or 'i'm stupid that is why i have to do it again'. the worst part of all this problem is when the assignment that have been appointed to you is a 'group assignment.' like seriously.. who create this? personally i thin...

when people ask me.. and condemn me about my depression as if it is not that serious and it was just a joke.. arguing me with whatever i do to overcome this problem with some shit that i don't really give a fuck.. like seriously man, do u really wanna see how bad i could get if i did not do anything about it.. if i try my hard to be someone else.. or try my hard to show others that i am ok.. that i am not stress at all.. do u wanna see how mad i could get? mental illness is not a joke. if my life is a joke to you.. just walk away bruhh..  i don't even wanna deal with ur attitude.. its just making my depression a lot more worst. 

For the past 23 years, i've been through some shit and some good moment. But somehow.. shit always happen in my life.. why? at some part in my life i've been through depression thinking whether i'm mad or i'm just weird. i'm still trying to figure out my path. whereas all my friend have gone through much in their life.. why am i still here? i'm still having problem with all my past and present relationship. my love life is a mess. nothing work out well, it's always be me that were left alone. i'm still dealing with dyslexia. i'm still struggling trying to finish my degree. i'm still struggling to maintain my pointer to not be under 3.0.. Am i that stupid? how can my friend have better grades? how are they so good in their study? do i look retarded? when all this question and low self esteem thinking..came all at once, makes me wanna kill myself. Makes me wanna go insane. ... ... what i hate to hear is.. "you are a muslim how can u be depr...