When my depression talk

-
For the past 23 years, i've been through some shit and some good moment. But somehow.. shit always happen in my life.. why? at some part in my life i've been through depression thinking whether i'm mad or i'm just weird. i'm still trying to figure out my path. whereas all my friend have gone through much in their life.. why am i still here? i'm still having problem with all my past and present relationship. my love life is a mess. nothing work out well, it's always be me that were left alone. i'm still dealing with dyslexia. i'm still struggling trying to finish my degree. i'm still struggling to maintain my pointer to not be under 3.0.. Am i that stupid? how can my friend have better grades? how are they so good in their study? do i look retarded? when all this question and low self esteem thinking..came all at once, makes me wanna kill myself. Makes me wanna go insane. ... ...

what i hate to hear is.. "you are a muslim how can u be depressed? when you have god.. if you pray you won't be depress.."

i'm sorry.. you are not helping me dealing with my problem.. 

i just can't control my thoughts. one small problem can cause one huge mess. 



Popular posts from this blog

How was life?

-
Image
so this is how it begin, been trying to fight my laziness to post a blog for a while and i finally have the 'mood' to begin with.. i'm on my balcony accompanying with my two nasty red ear slider (tortoise) and a pot of pink rose flower.. it's a very superb set up i might say.  this past month i would say its a tough business for me. ending my internship and doing nothing, while waiting for any job offer is quite a depressing moment. Although at first i didn't notice how depressing i was, until my fiance point it out to me. i'm trying to go healthy, although i tried but i don't think it is healthy enough. starting with exercising and 'try' to eat less unhealthy thing. i did it for a solid month before i end up sick and get lazy and i couldn't get my momentum back. maybe today i will try to start all over again (who knows).  as for me and my fiance we 'kinda' fought a lot. but that is normal for two people that leave 351km apart
Read more

Anxiety

-
Image
okay ! first of all, Hye everyone. Happy New years ! may god bless us this whole year. I just got engaged few weeks ago. One step closer i might say .. as per usual, no picture just imagine it okay. So last week or two, i've gone through some bad ugly stupid anxiety. I called em bad ugly and stupid because it is bad and ugly.. and oddly stupid reason to have an anxiety. I am an introverted person. To some people, they might see me as extrovert, but in reality i'm not. Just imagine my biggest triggered anxiety is contemplating to text or call someone and ask about things that i needed to know. U know some adult thing. I can't do that casually. Literally took an hour to pull my self together and text or call someone (strangers) .  well it does not stop there. It then comes to the point of waiting for the reply. Or hoping that the other person on the end line will not yell or belittle me for what ever my issues is. Sometimes, when i thought that i have accomplished
Read more

when my depression talk #2

-
Image
it has been 3 days.. or 4.. i'm not quite sure.. everything feel nothing to me.. the urge to laugh.. to smile.. to do anything doesn't seems to be a thing to me.. its feel like death in side.. i feel zero.. i don't feel hungry at all.. i don't feel like sleeping.. i don't feel like moving.. even a muscle.. repeating and hearing sad..depress.. dark song as if its a thing for me.. pushing people to the edge.. and standing at the edge is what im doing for this past days.. i try to change.. i did try to enjoy everything.. but it doesn't seems right.. i can hold it until at some point it just does feels right.. as if im faking it.. well... i am faking it.. i push myself to do everything.. just incase.. something could make me enjoy it.. or maybe push me out of this madness.. it feels like living in a dark hole.. that i couldn't climb out.. no matter how hard i try.. i constantly feel tired.. unmotivated to do barely anything.. i think of killing myself many time.
Read more