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                                  hi ! its been awhile, how was life? how are you? are you alright? how was work? welp! mine felt like shit. its fun and games until depression hit you. it feel like shit ! currently i'm working from home its not fun. not a single bit fun working from home.  "eh untung la duduk rumah ja" " eh senang la duduk saja tak buat kje" " eh! best la tak kerja duduk rumah jaa".  working is a responsibility. there is no such think working from home and ' duduk saja'. i'm not that type of person that does not think halal/haram you money worth from working. so please.. its not fun.. u are here, conducting subordinate from afar is shit!. i am loaded with work but i have to entertain others with their work. how is it fun? how is it 'senang'? why do people take me for granted. is it fun to make fun of me? to make me feel tired and exhausted? is fun to have so many work? to be k...

hi ! it's been awhile, been having depressing thought this past weeks. But somehow, i have friends and husband by my side this time around. i'm lucky to have friends that can see sign that i'm not okay even thru chatting. i'm lucky to have husband that know what to ask and know to hear me out. i'm happy.. i'm bless with them by my side.  the pressure 'working from home' during this pandemic is hard. lucky i dont have any kids yet.. can't even imagine the stress coming from it. its hard, when you are used to do everything yourself. but now you are relaying on somebody else to help with your work. the perks of 'working from home' felt like sh*t.  it turn into deep stress when the same damn thing you keep on doing over and over again..  woke up - make breakfast- meeting- shower- meeting- clean house-make dinner- sleep. i'm leaving in a loop for a moment. its depressing... as if that is my life now, and i'm tired.  flooded with house work...

hi ! it's been awhile.. few days flown by because of Quarantine. to be honest i'm stress.. super stress.. Working from home is not fun.. being pregnant alone is not fun. don't get me wrong.. i'm still married, but my husband is working in another state. total up till this day.. it has been 2 month since i last saw him. handling pregnancy by yourself is hard, plus i'm still new to this. i did do my research, asking people and stuff. but just imagine waking up in the middle of the night in pain no one could help you. u just have to sit there and hope the pain goes away faster.. i've been having on and off fever almost every night. i felt useless at some point. and all i could feel is depress.. to be honest i should eat a bunch to fuel up myself. but i can't even force my self to eat because of stress. and i felt more miserable because i'm a bad mother for being depress and i didn't at least eat for my baby.. i'm a useless mother..and my child i...

so this is how it begin, been trying to fight my laziness to post a blog for a while and i finally have the 'mood' to begin with.. i'm on my balcony accompanying with my two nasty red ear slider (tortoise) and a pot of pink rose flower.. it's a very superb set up i might say.  this past month i would say its a tough business for me. ending my internship and doing nothing, while waiting for any job offer is quite a depressing moment. Although at first i didn't notice how depressing i was, until my fiance point it out to me. i'm trying to go healthy, although i tried but i don't think it is healthy enough. starting with exercising and 'try' to eat less unhealthy thing. i did it for a solid month before i end up sick and get lazy and i couldn't get my momentum back. maybe today i will try to start all over again (who knows).  as for me and my fiance we 'kinda' fought a lot. but that is normal for two people that leave 351km apart...

it's been awhile.. i've been doing my internship for i think almost 2 month in and i can say it is a bit of a journey for me. first of all Alhamdulillah i got offered to be working permanently in that company, although i still have another 2 month to finished my internship. second of all i am bless to be among the best people that help me, keep me company when im at a very very VERY lowest point. i am truly bless to be friend with this people and meeting with them. Although i know this is not that some kind of depression update. But for the duration of 'me not updating anything' i can say it only occur once or twice. and it is a big thing for me, because i feel happy and enjoy being me.. being myself. for a moment i don't feel like killing my self or thinking about doing stupid stuff. although i might say there is a few things that triggered me, but so far it is safe to say that i can handle it quite well.. and i do proud of it.. even thought some might see it ...

okay ! first of all, Hye everyone. Happy New years ! may god bless us this whole year. I just got engaged few weeks ago. One step closer i might say .. as per usual, no picture just imagine it okay. So last week or two, i've gone through some bad ugly stupid anxiety. I called em bad ugly and stupid because it is bad and ugly.. and oddly stupid reason to have an anxiety. I am an introverted person. To some people, they might see me as extrovert, but in reality i'm not. Just imagine my biggest triggered anxiety is contemplating to text or call someone and ask about things that i needed to know. U know some adult thing. I can't do that casually. Literally took an hour to pull my self together and text or call someone (strangers) .  well it does not stop there. It then comes to the point of waiting for the reply. Or hoping that the other person on the end line will not yell or belittle me for what ever my issues is. Sometimes, when i thought that i have accomplished ...